2/2 Chop 2011/10/28(Fri)06:43 No. 361631 ID: c811c4
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Not standing where their green, cowardly feet should be, Chop can say!

sounds like you need to start lower, find them and beat them up. then say that if they do not appear tomorrow, they will get a REAL punishment.

Seems like you need to go out and find them. Ask random people if they're your new recruits, if they say no then smack them for lying, if they say yes then tell them to get in here and do 20 push ups over the bed of hot coals as punishment for being late.

>>361632
Second.

Also, reading all Chop's posts in The Boulder's voice.

1/2 Chop 2011/10/28(Fri)07:17 No. 361639 ID: c811c4
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Chop shall locate these kobold excuses. One lives nearby, so Chop has been told.

2/2 Chop 2011/10/28(Fri)07:18 No. 361640 ID: c811c4
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This one sleeps like a baby kitten, looking as though this world was baked with flowers and love!

>>361640
Wake him up by lifting him by his ears and shout at him that he's late!

lift his bed into the air and dump him off of it.

>>361640
Take him, and his bed, to the Dojo. Breath on his face until he wakes up, then quietly inform him that if he doesn't avoid this attack he's dead. Then break his bed, and him if he's still on it, in half.

1/3 Chop 2011/10/28(Fri)08:26 No. 361652 ID: c811c4
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>Bring bed to Dojo

SLAM!

>"Ack! What- where am I?!"

2/3 Chop 2011/10/28(Fri)08:26 No. 361653 ID: c811c4
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"THIS ONE IS LAAAAAATE"

>"AHHH---OWWWW what the hell?! Put me down, you insane oaf! Why is my bed in here?! I can't move the whole thing back, so you'd better help, whoever you are! Let me go!"

3/3 Chop 2011/10/28(Fri)08:28 No. 361655 ID: c811c4
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"The whining furball cannot even lift his own bed?! Then Chop shall help the weakling, and you may move it back piece by piece!"
>"Wait, you're Chop?!"

CRACK

"yes, and if you are done being a baby you will wait at your post until i return with the other recruits."

>>361655
Confirm that you are indeed Chop and that he's not allowed to move from the bed of hot coals until you get the others here. Indicate that maybe you will stop for snacks sometime during the search.

1/2 Chop 2011/10/28(Fri)09:25 No. 361669 ID: c811c4
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"The flimsy looking twig is correct, Chop is Chop!"
>"I'm sorry, I didn't know! I overslept, I'm not u-"
"EXCUSES DO NOT WIN FIGHTS. This one will stand upon coals if it is done being the oversized baby, and Chop shall spend his time as leisurely fetching the other bread crumbs as this one has displayed! If this one leaves the coal, and Chop will know, then it will beg to take its next bath in this pit of coals!"
>"... yes, sir!"

Chop dares to think this one has a tiny inkling of promise after all.

2/2 Chop 2011/10/28(Fri)09:25 No. 361671 ID: c811c4
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Chop seeks the others, and sees a tiny crumb, shaking like a pebble in the earthquake as she approaches me.

>"E-excuse me! I'm new here! I'm looking for, uh, a Chop's D-dojo.. why are you looking at me like that? Is there something on my nose? I don't mean to disturb you, but I'm really late and I've got to know!"

>>361671
Well it's not entirely that one's fault to be so late. Just give it a solid flick on the nose, then some directions and tell it to get there and stand on the hot coal until you get back there.

"being lost is not an excuse, you should of asked someone earlier, but your enthusiasm is noted."

she also stands on the coals but be less angry about it. she was trying to get to class but was unable to.

>>361671
Hmm, well technically a TRUE WARRIOR always plans out the route beforehand, but seeing as you have yet to mold this pile of SOFT WOBBLY FLESH into STEEL-HARD MUSCLE she can be forgiven. Once.

HE'S LAAAAAAAATEEEEEEEE.

1/3 Chop 2011/10/28(Fri)10:10 No. 361692 ID: c811c4
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"A true warrior will plan the route beforehand, as is possible! You will be forgiven once! Now, what is it that this wobbly flesh is doing upon my leg?"
>"Oh, I'm sorry! In my old village, we would hug each other when introducing ourselves and in greeting! And I didn't realize you were...!"

2/3 Chop 2011/10/28(Fri)10:11 No. 361694 ID: c811c4
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"Chop's Dojo is beyond this hallway, followed by two immediate lefts! Stand upon the heated coals, and Chop shall look past your ill prepared, LATE arrival."
>"C-coals?! I've trained in my previous village, and we never...!"

....

>"Never..."

... "Perhaps the pup of a pup is better suited to being a seamstress with stubbed, safety-needles with a little princess' apron all while sitting atop a velvet cushion?!"

>"No no no! I'll go!"

3/3 Chop 2011/10/28(Fri)10:11 No. 361695 ID: c811c4
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Chop has located another house of a missing coward. Chop is realizing that this door is locked!

doors are puny, break it in half, he will be punished extra if he was trying to hide from you. the first was just lazy, but trying to avoid your training on purpose?! that will NOT stand!

Be polite, knock on the door. Knock on it in a manner in which it will no longer be closed. Or even there.

>>361695
Ehhhhh, maybe we shouldn't break the door in half.

Simply remove it from its hinges.

1/2 Chop 2011/10/28(Fri)10:54 No. 361709 ID: c811c4
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"Chop can only think the owner of this door is one of our chickens, or perhaps a trapped bunny! CHOP WILL BE POLITE ABOUT THIS LOCK!"

KNOCK! KNOCK!

2/2 Chop 2011/10/28(Fri)10:57 No. 361712 ID: c811c4
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>"HOLY GODS what- what are you?! Stay back, please don't kill me, I'll do anything!"
"What is this, that presents itself to my eyes, yet asks what Chop is? Chop was correct, this is no kobold! Ha! As though any kobolds have entered my gaze today!"
>"I'm a kobold! Half draconic, but all kobold in some way or another! What do you want from me?!"

"you were due to come in to combat training today, but instead you locked yourself away in your room. for that you shall be punished." grab him by the ears and carry him back to the dojo.

"You have signed up for my class and tardiness is UNACCEPTABLE! Know that Chop is eccentric, brutal teacher and that he demands at least 300% from all his students! And that's the lowest acceptable, CHOP HAS ALWAYS GIVEN 10,000%!"

This one's female.

Tell her she's late for training and to come with you to the dojo now!

>>361712
Drag to training and throw on the hot coals, then tell it to stand there until you get back.

1/4 Chop 2011/10/28(Fri)12:13 No. 361733 ID: c811c4
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"LAAAAATE.Did the measly amassment of scales forget about the class that it has signed up for?! Tardiness is unacceptable! Anything less than hundreds of percents in effort will be met with death in inevitable combat! Know that Chop gives millions of percentages! Chop does not know or care for exact amounts, Chop does not do battle WITH MATH."

>"I'm really sorry, I got so scared! I knew a little magic, so I tried to go to the magic academy, but they tried to kill me, so I thought you would do the same!"
"CHOP DID NOT ASK THIS ONE FOR ITS LIFE STORY. Its training will be brutal, so that it will be able to become brutal back! Not to hide behind puny locks, asking for punishment!"

2/4 Chop 2011/10/28(Fri)12:13 No. 361734 ID: c811c4
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>"Okay, let go of my eeears! I'll stand and come on my own!!"
"Chop did not hear you! The ears upon this head are unable to hear endless whining!"

3/4 Chop 2011/10/28(Fri)12:14 No. 361735 ID: c811c4
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Chop believes half of the cave's new weaklings are here.

No, Chop is wrong. Another has shown up.

4/4 Chop 2011/10/28(Fri)12:15 No. 361737 ID: c811c4
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>"Hey, sorry I'm late. It's hard to tell when the sun comes up around... here... I'm going on the coals, aren't I. You can't be serious."

Serious as a punch to the face! Which is what he'll be getting if he doesn't go on those coals.

How long are they gonna stand on those coals anyway? The first one to arrive is going to wind up standing on there the longest, if you let them all off at once. Better time it or something!

Chop is ALWAYS serious.

>>361737
Inform it that you're incredibly serious and that it is to remain standing on the coals until you fetch the last two.

"Chop is always serious. Get on the coals."

"MORE WHINING? The only one allowed to whine today is CHOP and that is because Chop has late students! WHINING IS A PRIVILEGE EARNED IN MY CLASS! TO THE COALS, PUNY BOLD! Do you not like coals? For bolds like me, coals are wonderful ways to relax and be energized! Why Chop could rest his testicles on them! In fact, CHOP DOES. Chop has personal bucket in quarters where just just sits his bum on. WAKES CHOP UP IN MORNING AND GIVES GREAT SURGE!"

This is so much fun. And yes, I agree with >>361739 , you need to time how long people are on the coals so it is all equal. WITH MATH. YES. I FEEL SUCCESSFUL. I AM ABLE TO TALK IN CAPS.

>>361739
>>361745
Existance is unfair, as is combat. They had better learn to deal with it right away. No need to time how long they stand on the coals. Although the last ones should have to do pushups on top of them while the others can do them off the coals. They don't get to move out of the spot until they have done 100.

1/3 Chop 2011/10/28(Fri)14:24 No. 361768 ID: c811c4
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"Chop is always serious. As serious as a punch in the face, which is exactly what this flat cardboard cutout will receive, if he does not get on the coals immediately!"

>"Sighhhh..."

2/3 Chop 2011/10/28(Fri)14:26 No. 361772 ID: c811c4
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"WHAT DOES THIS WEAKLING SAY!? THESE WALLS ARE THE DOJO, NOT THE WHINERY."
"It's our first day!!"
>"By the time Chop is through with this one, it will find coals to be a comfortable spot to sit a bum on! The only WHINING allowed is from Chop, from having not one, but all of these whelps arrive LAAAATE!!"
"I'm going, I'm going!"

Chop will most likely be punching him the most. Chop will decide later whether the difference in time spent on coals is worth a glance!

3/3 Chop 2011/10/28(Fri)14:27 No. 361778 ID: c811c4
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Chop has to play hide and seek with the remaining two. Neither could be found inside of their homes, yet here, aside the cave's exit, two newcomers sit together as though having a picnic in a world of green grass and lollipops, playing laze-about with great focus.

Sneak up to them and yell as loud as possible. THE SMALL AREA OF THE CAVE WILL AMPLIFY THE YELL TO EXTREME PROPORTIONS, LETTING THEM KNOW WHAT WILL BE IN STORE FOR THEM IF THEY DO NOT MOVE.

"LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEE!"

>>361778
Grab them by the ears and carry them to the dojo, then throw them onto the coals. Just tell them that you're very disappointed in them.

Inform them that it is not time for romance. It is time to train. They can play kissy-face when they're not LATE!

Chop 2011/10/28(Fri)15:08 No. 361797 ID: c811c4
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"THE CAVE'S SMALL AREA WILL AMPLIFY THE YELL TO PROPORTIONS OF THE MOST EXTREME NATURE, LETTING THESE TEACUPS KNOW WHAT WILL BE IN STORE IF THEY DO NOT MOVE."

>"Auuuugh I thought- I got the impression we could go when we were ready?!" The one who is most feminine dares speak. "I thought today was the earliest we cou --"

"LAAAAAAAAAAATE! IT IS TIME TO TRAIN AS OF THIRTY MINUTES AGO. THESE MAY PLAY KISSY-FACE AGAIN NEVER."

Now, finally, the training may begin! Chop feels conflicted at having the first recruit stand on coals longest, while these two, the latest of all, not get more than a glimpse! How shall this injustice be avoided?

Initial training will also be a test of mettle, to find these weakling's weak points.. these weaklings weakest points, and hammering them out!

>>361797
First on the coals, first off the coals. Give each one in turn a personal evaluation. So the others will have to wait while you beat the stuffing out of the first kobold, then the next, and the next etc.

The last two can get off at the same time since they stepped on at the same time.

>>361802
This is good idea,fair but still letting them slowly cook to MANLY PERFECTION!

>>361797
They get to do push ups on the coals while you evaluate the others. First one to arrive is first one off the coals, everyone else does push up on top of coals. Once someone has been evaluated they get to rest some until you're done evaluating everyone.

>>361802
This

>>361797
Yes. First on, first off. Any and all 'break time' will be spent on the coals.

By the way.. what are the chances that the draconic one is fireproof, and not being toughened up at all?

1/2 Chop 2011/10/28(Fri)17:20 No. 361863 ID: c811c4
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"Ha! What a miniscule batch this month has brought in! It is time for the runts to listen! Chop shall call each runt one by one to test your current abilities, as pitiful as they might be!"

>>361851
Chop was concerned, but the draconic one appears to have no resistance! In fact, both it as well as the tiniest runt to its left appear to soon be reaching their wits end, after but moments!

>"Why are we stilll on the coals?!" The flat one asks. "It literally smells like we're cooking! Because we are!"
"Aha! Chop has almost forgotten, while I test your weak levels, you will be doing pushups while the earlier runts test! Did Chop not tell you about whining, puny one?!"
>"And that is another thing, we all have names! My name is Sodar-"
"PUNCHING BAG."
>"Wh- what?!"
"Your name is PUNCHING BAG. Chop shall call it this, because this is what it has shown itself to be, and Chop shall demonstrate this soon! No puny runts in this room will have Kobold names until they prove themselves to be Kobolds! Runt, whom slept for so long and came, rather, dragged, first! It's new name is "BEDHUGGER." The one who hugs upon greeting! It's name is "PRINCESS." The draconic kobold's name is "PUNYLOCKS", Punchingbag is PUNCHINGBAG, and from my right to left, there is "KISSY FACE ONE" AND "KISSY FACE TWO."
>"N-no! We weren't even doing anything, we were just talk --"
"KISSY FACE ONE WILL BE SILENT WHILE ON THESE COALS. All shall do pushups beginning right now, aside from BEDHUGGER. Bedhugger, come and face me!

2/2 Chop 2011/10/28(Fri)17:21 No. 361864 ID: c811c4
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>"Okay, sir. But I can barely stand up, and I can't feel my feet, and my eyes are still watering up! What am I supposed to do?"

>>361864
This is a "Come at me, bro!" moment if ever there was one.

"the first test is strength, hit me as hard as you can, and if it feels like anything more then a small insect landing upon me you will pass"

>>361864
Bedhugger's current strength must be assessed so there is a frame of reference to be known for any possible improvement from your training.

Bedhugger must give you his best shot, and punch you as hard as he can.

YOU WILL USE THAT PAIN AND HIT ME WITH ALL YOU HAVE!

"I want you to hit me as hard as you can."

Put your arms to your sides and leave yourself open without making a word. Stand like this and only stare. If this one is to become more than a puddle of baby tears, it must learn to act on its own. If he attacks, catch his arm and grab his throat in a choking gesture so that he knows he has died because of his weakness. Then toss him away from the coals and move down the line.

>>361864
You are going to hit Chop with your LITTLE BEDHUGGING PAWS and if Chop does not feel you have given HUNDREDS OF PERSENTS he will break your bed every day until you are no longer a PUNY WASTE OF MEAT.

"Take that pain, convert to anger, convert to rage, convert to adrenaline, convert to strength, and PUNCH ME IN THE FACE."

>>361864
Make him fight back. Put a hand on his head and start pushing him back towards the coals slowly. Tell him if he manages to get to the door he can go back to hugging his damned half- bed for a few more puny minutes. This should inspire him to force his way past the weakness in his legs. If somehow he does manage to make it past, drag him back when he picks the 'wrong half of his bed'

>>361864
The greatest test of the warrior is tenacity! Chop does not give millions of percents of effort by paying mind to injuries and cannots!

>>361864
He is to attack you with any means that he can as well as he can. The test ends when he's unconcious or you are.

1/3 Chop 2011/10/29(Sat)04:04 No. 361981 ID: c811c4
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"Chop shall first test your strength! The LITTLE BEDHUGGING PAWS shall punch Chop as hard as it can! If there is anything less than HUNDREDS OF PERCENTAGES of effort, Chop shall punch back with THOUSANDS OF PERCENTS."
>"Yes, sir!"

fump

"Chop is unimpressed, but feels surprising strength from these little paws! Chop gives this punch three out of five stars.!"
>"O-ow! Th-that's pretty good, right...?"

"THREE OUT OF FIVE STARS ON THE RUNT SCALE. Next test is speed! Race to the door! If it escapes Chop's grasp, then the healers in the side rooms shall be allowed to heal bedhuggers feet, and it may hug its half bed!"

2/3 Chop 2011/10/29(Sat)04:05 No. 361982 ID: c811c4
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"Ha! So the bedhugger can ignore pain at the thought of cowering in a blanket of magic!"

3/3 Chop 2011/10/29(Sat)04:05 No. 361983 ID: c811c4
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"But it appears to be a sloth in and out of bed! Chop gives one star on the RUNT scale."

Chop shall test all recruits in this manner, but must test toughness as well! Shall Chop keep them on coals till their girly feets force them off, or beat them up until they're unconcious, or by other means?

Well, the coal treatment sounds about right.
But eventually their feet will get used to the pain of the hot coals, so why not use this to toughen up the rest of their skin when they don't feel it anymore?

>>361983
A test of toughness? The solution is simple: FIVE WAY BRAWL. The last KOBOLD WASTE OF MEAT standing gets their Their LITTLE SINGED FEET healed.

>>361983
Their feet are already charred. That would be an uneven contest. Go with beatings.

beating, but start with your weakest punch and get stronger. their score will be based on what punched knocked them out.

>>361983
Make them battle each other until only one remains standing, no rules for what they can do or can't do. Last one gets to have a go with you. Don't tell them that part until there is only one left standing though.

Chop 2011/10/29(Sat)08:47 No. 362026 ID: c811c4
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Some moments later.

"Chop now has a gauge on each waste of meat's strength and speed! It is now time to RECEIVE BEATINGS for ALL. The LAST KOBOLD standing shall be granted HEALING!"

>"You want us to.. fight each other?" Punylocks remarks.

"With bare fists, not these words that chew down my ears like termites upon wood."

>"Wait a moment! I can't... I can't just punch my friends!" Princess dares to dribble forth from so far down, like the puniest ant.

Chop feels confused, yet mostly irritated by this display of compassion, even amongst those who call themselves friends!

I still think we should administer beatings ourselves.

Having them stand on the coals for longer will take too much time, and making them beat eachother to unconsciousness seems like it would not foster team spirit. I mean, these kobolds will need to fight alongside eachother. Camaraderie is important.

Also one or two of these runts might decide that they would rather give the healing to someone else, and not fight to their fullest!

>>362026
"If Princess is too WEAK to beat, she can still be beaten by those with WILL and DETERMINATION."

Do you expect to survive in the world with HUGS and KISSY FACES?
How will you delay your friends' deaths if you cannot even PUNCH?

>>362026
Tell her that she's free to team up with her friend until only they are standing, of course by then one of them has to go down. Accept no excuses or ways out. The fight starts as soon as you finish speaking. Remind them that there are no rules on a battlefield.

"If Princess wishes to DEFEND its friends from COUNTLESS PREDATORS, Princess must LEARN TO FIGHT! DO YOU WANT DO DEFEND YOUR FRIENDS?!"

>>362026
"What, can't punch friends? Chop knows one of the funnest friendly activities is ragging on friends, emotionally or physically! The adrenaline rush and testosterone expended feels very great and increases friendship. So says Chop, expert of both fighting and relationship counseling! DO YOU DOUBT MASTER CHOP'S EXPERTISE?"

1/2 Chop 2011/10/29(Sat)09:52 No. 362046 ID: c811c4
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"TRUE FRIENDS can PUNCH one another in the face, and come out with even STRONGER BONDS. So says Chop, expert of fighting AND relationships!"
>"What?! That's insane! You're insane! Friends don't punch one another!"
"Does PRINCESS expect to protect all it loves with HUGS and KISSY FACES? NO. PUNCH YOUR FRIENDS. LEARN TO FIGHT. FLATNOSE and KISSY FACE ONE aren't complete FOOLS, for once in their meager existence!"

smack
>"Ow, damnit, that hurts. Knock it off."
>"O-oh. Sorry."

"CHOP RETRACTS HIS STATEMENT."

2/2 Chop 2011/10/29(Sat)09:53 No. 362047 ID: c811c4
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As much pain as it administers to Chop, Chop must admit that these sentimental mush piles must be hardened before they can BEAT ONE ANOTHER and still come out with GREAT FRIENDSHIP! Chop shall have them beat one another at a later date, when the time is right. As for now? Chop shall perform the original idea!

"THIS DISPLAY EMBARRASSES CHOP. LINE UP FOR BEATINGS BEFORE CHOP BLUSHES LIKE A SWOONING PRINCESS, IF THE COOKIE CRUMBS WISH TO PASS RECRUITMENT."

...

>"I-I'll go first. Please don't make me punch any of them."

Chop's eyes behold the DOCILE PUNYLOCKS showing a tiny drop of nerves, yet it makes Chop rain with satisfaction at seeing this morsel of improvement!

>>362047
Cast sleep.

show him your mighty magics.

Start soft and gradually ramp it up. If you go full strength on the first punch you're gonna knock out everyone in one hit and get no indication of how tough they are!

>>362050
This.

>>362050
Quite

1/4 Chop 2011/10/29(Sat)10:58 No. 362059 ID: c811c4
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>"Why are you doing this? It's not right! Look at her! This isn't training at all!"
"Why?! The PRINCESS must clean out her rounded ears from all the ANGELS playing HARPS she must hear all day! Its toughness will be tested in one way or another, for those who wish to pass! And so Chop asks a question of PUNYLOCKS. Does PUNYLOCKS wish to pass?!"
>"Yes!"

2/4 Chop 2011/10/29(Sat)11:03 No. 362065 ID: c811c4
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"SO BE IT. CHOP CASTS 'SCAN'."

THOCK

"...CHOP'S MAGIC HAS DEDUCED THAT PUNYLOCKS HAS ONE RUNT STAR, AFTER FALLING TO THE PUNCH MOST WEAK."

It is Chop's wish to tell Punylocks that Chop is proud of this display, and that Chop feels no enjoyment at punching SMALL CRYING CHILDREN! But Chop is no LOVE TRAINER! Chop shall be their enemy, so that these runts must look to one another for support against Chop's mannerisms, and see each other as irreplaceable allies!

3/4 Chop 2011/10/29(Sat)11:03 No. 362066 ID: c811c4
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After all are knocked out, Chop summons the healers. He will await for them to wake up, and begin individual training!

>"Nngg.."
>"Sir! This one is waking up. He's fine, now."

It would appear KISSY FACE ONE is ready to begin individual training!

4/4 Chop 2011/10/29(Sat)11:03 No. 362067 ID: c811c4
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KISSY FACE ONE has proven itself to be the toughest one to chew in a platter of SOGGY PUDDING. How shall Chop have this one spend its training time?

Strength training! Kissy Face One will punch a bag of dry beans with its PUNY LOVE FISTS until its STRING BEAN ARMS wiggle like a PRETTY BELLY DANCER'S MIDRIFF.

>>362073
Then it will CONTINUE PUNCHING.

It may also KICK, at its option.

>>362073
I cannot help but support this.