tippler 2024/03/22(Fri)20:15 No. 1086929 ID: 9ea24b
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you may not have been aware but i have been begging my parents to let me get those nasty filthy dirty creatures known as birds and the psychological warfare has finally paid off. since october of 2023 i have done nothing but train for this day by watching chicken ownership youtube videos.

tippler 2024/03/22(Fri)20:17 No. 1086930 ID: 9ea24b
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since i've grown tired from extreme questing i have been instead spending my free time building the shittiest 1/4" plywood wall chicken coop and welded wire run. there is a non zero chance the chickens will be immediately killed by raccoons.

what does this have to do with quests? let us paint a story together. it just has to be about chickens

Wouldn't do any good for your newfound chickens to get killed by raccoons. How can we convince the raccoons to not do that? Do they accept payment?

>>1086930
How many are you getting?
Whats gonna come first, the chicken or the egg? Starting from hatching or getting a mama.
What anti raccoon techniques have you studied?

Extra credit:
Whats the coolest thing about chickens?
Im open to suggestions but its them being natures steady cam for me.

+1 raccoon bribery

Maybe you could paint the chickens like raccoons. Raccoons don't eat raccoons, right? Maybe this is a story about a chicken finding her place among the Raccoon People. Or vice versa.

Hire a chicken realtor to give prospective chickens tours of your chicken hut.

One of your new chickens looks suspiciously like a racoon with a rubber glove on its head.

Place your chickens in a cage above a hopper, which inserts the eggs into a dispenser which then launches them into a second cage via a redstone clock. Infinite chickens.

You must train the chickens to fight. Fight for their lives!

Roosters can definitely help protect those chickens from raccoons, hawks, and other creatures with sharp teeth if the coop and fence does nothing. Roosters are pretty reliable protective feathered t-rexes. They can also keep the hens pretty chill if they start getting a little aggressive towards each other

and they make for good alarm clocks too

Chicken boobs

There, go nuts

>>1086944
Chicken militia!

tippler 2024/03/23(Sat)08:01 No. 1086957 ID: 9ea24b
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three hens roost on a horizontal 2"x4" in the world's shittiest chicken coop. their names are in order left to right are East (easter egger), Buff (buff orpington), and Bar (barred rock).

these three chickens are good cold resistant layers and are quieter and friendly.

tippler 2024/03/23(Sat)08:03 No. 1086958 ID: 9ea24b
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East, who has rounded feathery cheeks and a very small comb, looks out a gap in the coop wall to see a raccoon waiting outside to devour them whole, or at the very least kill them and take off their heads.

"Sisters!" she clucks. "We need to do something about this terrible threat."

tippler 2024/03/23(Sat)08:04 No. 1086959 ID: 9ea24b
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the chickens have the power to subliminally message tippler, a human with the ability to provide goods and services at request. what should they ask for first?

A. Weapons and combat training
B. Raccoon disguises to infiltrate the enemy
C. A rooster to protect them

A) let the chicken militia commence and the immediate overthrow of their master and subsequent liberation of chickenkind

Lady raccoon disguises are the way. That way they may fraternize with the enemy and gain all manner of life-saving intel.

(the danger: you may end up with forbidden love and Chiccoons down the line)

>>1086959

B), but the others can be busy too.

Bar has the feathers to pull off a disguise.
All she needs is black gloves, a hamburgler halloween outfit for mask and stripeyshirt tail then a furry hat to hide her comb.

The time of the militia shall come.

Meanwhile east should start laying eggs for ammunition.
Buff should start stacking weights and maxing gains, ready for the fight.

C. They need a super chad rooster in their life!

B) Chicken and Racoon are about the same shape; plump. Blend in and learn all their racoon secrets.

tippler 2024/03/23(Sat)12:40 No. 1086969 ID: 9ea24b
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>B, infiltration
tippler is haunted by repeated dreams of black gloves, mini face masks, and fake furry tails and has to go to home depot the source of all chicken related construction supplies to purchase the items.

the chickens dress themselves in their disguises and exit the coop into the welded wire run.

tippler 2024/03/23(Sat)12:42 No. 1086970 ID: 9ea24b
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"Hello fellow raccoon!" Bar says. She has the best coloration to fool her foe, and takes the initiative to be the spokeschicken.

"Hello." replies the raccoon. "I smell chickens in there. Kill them and carry them out to me. I am very hungry."

Simple minded fellow, aren't they. Seduce the raccoon. If this doesn't work, find out if they're willing to eat something else.

"And why shouldn't we just eat the chickens for ourselves?"

Easy: Brainwash Tippler to buy a raw chicken from the slavesupermarket, steal it and give it to the raccoon while one of your number hides in the basement.

>>1086970
Fellow raccoon!
We have already eaten the chickens you can smell.

Hey.
How do we know YOU'RE not a chicken in a cunning disguise?

tippler 2024/03/23(Sat)18:11 No. 1086990 ID: 9ea24b
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"We have already eaten the chickens." Bar blusters. "There is nothing left for you here and you might as well leave."

"I am not picky. I will eat the organs and leftovers. How did you get in?"

This is a good question. While this is the shittiest coop and run of all time, it is surrounded by paving stones to prevent dig ins and the coop is also included inside the run.

tippler 2024/03/23(Sat)18:13 No. 1086991 ID: 9ea24b
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>Get raw chicken
East begins sending mental messages to tippler, who gets in the car and goes to the local grocery store.

>Seduce
They need a distraction and Buff steps forward. "You're a fine looking raccoon."

"Oh, thank you. You are very orange for a raccoon."

"Yes. It helps me make babies."

tippler 2024/03/23(Sat)18:14 No. 1086992 ID: 9ea24b
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"Wow." the raccoon stammers. "It is mating season, if you come back out I will happily couple with you."

Don't leave a brother hanging. You are committed to this cause!

>>1086992
Tell him you'd rather do it through the fence, gloryholes are your kink.

I know a way out of this: ask if he's seen his racoon doctor for any diseases like rabies or something. you can't get those diseases transmitted to you through mating, after all. Better safe than sorry

That should get him out of here for awhile as he goes schedule an appointment with his doc and keep this quest from falling into degeneracy for awhile.

>>1086997

You mean it's possible to get those diseases transmitted through mating, and you can't risk it?

Maybe start off slow, go on a date first.

Now hold on, hot stuff. If you wanna mate you've got to prove that you're strong and free of genetic defects. Show us your mating dance.

>>1087023

A mating dance is a must.
Gets a lady in the mood.

>>1086995
Perfection.

Plus if tippler gets back with the raw chicken, the sight of this will convince him these gitls need a rooster asap.

tippler 2024/03/24(Sun)12:03 No. 1087035 ID: 9ea24b
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on the way home after buying the raw chicken, tippler is struck by a need to think about the mating habits of raccoons and chickens. chickens, being birds, squat and lift their tails while a rooster jumps on their backs and lowers his tail to make hole contact. raccoons do normal mammal things.

luckily this is a quest and reality need not apply.

tippler 2024/03/24(Sun)12:05 No. 1087036 ID: 9ea24b
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Buff still wants to buy time, and she has no desire to leave the safety of her enclosure.

"Do a dance to prove you are disease free and fit to be my mate." she tells the raccoon.

he complies and does a funny tiktok fortnite meme dance, which is very impressive.

tippler 2024/03/24(Sun)12:08 No. 1087037 ID: 9ea24b
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tippler arrives back home and chucks the raw chicken into the backyard, perfectly into the gap in the chicken wire that provides cover from hawks on top of the welded wire fence.

the raccoon is growing impatient. what should Buff, Bar, and East do?

>>1087037

Thank him for his impressive application for breeding rights and offer him concilliation chicken.

His application shall be thoroughly assessed and should it meet with the approval of the raccoon tribunal of mating, they will let him know via obnoxiously loud mating call.

This buys the girls time.
Hes gonna be back AND hes gonna be hungry.
And horny.
Horngry.

That was rather impressive. We have the raw chicken now though, perhaps the raccoon will just accept that and leave?

>>1087040
Hear ye hear ye, the mating council declares recess.

Tell tippler to fetch some fruit from the Tree of Knowledge and feed them to the racoons so they have a full awareness of the consequences and repercussions of stealing and eating the chickens.

This is possible because tippler is an acquiantance of Joe, the only guy who interpreted the Bible right in all of history and knows where Eden is.

Buff: present rear through fence to distract.
the other two: grab that corpse and rough it up, then give the pieces to the racoon.

tippler 2024/03/24(Sun)17:27 No. 1087048 ID: 9ea24b
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>>1087046
heh, yeah i'm friends with joe. joe mama.

i am too tired from doing chicken induced chores and haunting dreams, and don't feel like doing anything else today except look at guilty gear fanart. the chickens are on their own for the rest of the day

tippler 2024/03/24(Sun)17:28 No. 1087049 ID: 9ea24b
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East and Bar unwrap the chicken breasts. their beaks start watering at the sight of such plentiful high quality protein. they both take one breast for the flock and give the other to the raccoon.

tippler 2024/03/24(Sun)17:32 No. 1087051 ID: 9ea24b
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the raccoon is elated. "Thanks guys! I knew you had some leftovers you were hiding. I better tell all the other lads about this."

Tell him he won't pass the mating tribunal if he tells anyone else. You all are only sharing because he is such an ideal male specimen, and he should come back tomorrow alone.

But there's no more chickens to eat. Why compete with them for the scraps?

Tell him if he tells anyone else he's dead. DEAD.

tippler 2024/03/24(Sun)19:32 No. 1087057 ID: 9ea24b
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"Hey, don't tell anyone else about this. It'll bring more competition for food and mating. Come back tomorrow alone and unarmed." Buff tells the raccoon sternly.

he nods, mouth full, and runs away out of sight.

tippler 2024/03/24(Sun)19:33 No. 1087058 ID: 9ea24b
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the chickens shed their disguises and after a good day of digging holes in their run and pooping everywhere, retire to their roost for the night.

how do they deal with the raccoon once and for all tomorrow?

Simple. Just get Tippler to eat the raccoon.

>>1087058
Send subliminal dreams to tippler.
Dreams of the most perfect, stupendous raccoon cosplay.
Made from what he can scavenge around the house.

The presence of such a large, intimidating alpha raccoon would surely terrify the local raccoons into staying away.

If hes too obsessed with guilty gear...

Then drastic measures girls.
You have a chicken breast left?
Poison it.
Uncooked egg for salmonella.
Shell shards and trimmed spurs or claws tucked inside for horrible stomach injuries.
Chicken witchcraft to curse the food item.
Theres three of you, thats a full coven.

Or maybe voodoo.

Chickens have a long, cultural history of participating in voodoo rituals

>>1087062

This, but the raccoon is more attracted to raccoon tippler since he's big so makes big babies. tippler eats the poisoned raw chicken.

Public trial and execution.

>>1087058
Hold a mating tribunal, obviously.

Offer the racoon eggs and occasional mating (through the fence) in eggschange for his keeping your cool hideout a secret. If you off him some other racoon will probably find you later, so make an ally while he's receptive.

Alternate plan.

Tell the raccoon how good a life chickens have.
Food
Safety.
Close proximity to unguarded trash cans.
Warm shelter and sisterhood.

Convince him to swap teams.
All he'd need is some spare feathers, a tiny cone party hat beak and a red rubber glove.

tippler 2024/03/25(Mon)09:11 No. 1087103 ID: 9ea24b
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i seriously had a real life dream last night about taking a test on chickens in order to go to college. not only was high school over ten years ago, but i woke up genuinely stressed.

tippler 2024/03/25(Mon)09:13 No. 1087104 ID: 9ea24b
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in my confusion after such a stressful dream, i stumble into the kitchen and pour myself a bowl of poisoned raw salmonella instead of cereal. the chickens are on their own once more.

tippler 2024/03/25(Mon)09:15 No. 1087105 ID: 9ea24b
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the chickens decide to hold a tribunal to decide the raccoon's fate. whether they fight and execute him, invite him to be their friend, or something else entirely, this will be the final judgement.

what questions do they ask the raccoon?

oh no

What skills does he bring to the table?
Where does he see himself in three years?
What would he say is his biggest flaw?
Does he prefer dogs or cats?
If he were going on a romantic date where would he go?

>>1087108
All of these and:
"Can you do your best crow?"
If he does try not to swoon ladies.

Then if everyone is getting along the flock can enjoy the delicious protein just laid there in the kitchen.

breasts or thighs? test where his loyalties truly lie and see if he starts salivating in response.

Let's ask if the raccoon can bring the chickens food. We fed him, it only seems fair, and the poor chicks are down a caretaker.

>>1087105
With the human dead, the chickens' only choice is to go native and to truly become as raccoons themselves. Imagine the feasts they could pillage together, with their combined know how.

Their rooster wanting to eat their corpses would be nothing new, chickens are notorious cannibals themselves.

tippler 2024/03/25(Mon)14:11 No. 1087117 ID: 9ea24b
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though i may be dead, my kind hearted father would never let the chickens be neglected. this is all fathers' irl worst fear, that the children lose interest in a pet and they have to take care of it.

he takes out their morning pellets and refills their water, unaware of any procedural drama

tippler 2024/03/25(Mon)14:16 No. 1087120 ID: 9ea24b
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"so you are actually chickens." the raccoon says. "i don't really appreciate being lied to."

"that is not important." squawk the chickens. "you must answer our questions."

>what skills does the raccoon have
he is good at digging, climbing, swimming, catching fish, and eating trash

>breasts or thighs?
thighs. dark meat has more calories.

>would he accept and support the chickens if they wanted to become raccoons?
yes, though it's kind of confusing to think about.

>crow!
the raccoon screeches as loud as he can. it does not sound anything like a rooster.

Guilty! The sentence is community service.

tippler 2024/03/25(Mon)14:19 No. 1087123 ID: 9ea24b
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the chickens huddle together to make their decision. should they leave their run and become raccoons and have many chiccoon babies or stay and be taken care of by tippler's father?

They should leave and have many chiccoons. An egg-laying, fast-propagating, almost-flying subspecies of raccoon is obviously what your local ecosystem needs, probably.

>>1087123
Tipplers kind and generous father should be honoured, but the flock must thrive.

Give thanks to the giver of pellety boons, don your raccoon regalia and head forth.

Racoon was bold enough to crow and should be gifted with a rubber glove comb to signify his status as chosen rooster of the flock.

Let your numbers swell in defiance of the laws of god, nature and local regulatory bodies.
Now is the time of the chiccoon.

Dead tippler can also join the racoons.

Chickoons! The hardiness of a chicken, the cleverness of a raccoon.

Resurrect the tippler with messed-up magics

tippler 2024/03/25(Mon)17:59 No. 1087143 ID: 9ea24b
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the flock will thrive with the raccoon! it is no life to be trapped in the shittiest coop and run known to man, waiting for some predator to come in and devour them.

the chickens fly out of the hole in the chicken wire and join the raccoon in feasting on tippler's nutritious corpse.

tippler 2024/03/25(Mon)17:59 No. 1087144 ID: 9ea24b
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Bar gives the raccoon a mini rubber glove to wear as an honorary comb. they prance together across the lawn, as happy as can be. the raccoon is particularly happy to have three hot chicks in his entourage.

tippler 2024/03/25(Mon)17:59 No. 1087145 ID: 9ea24b
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in a miracle of science, the next time Buff goes broody and hatches a clutch of eggs, the first ever chiccoons are born! they have no teeth and seem very clever. soon the entire suburb is swarming with the creatures.

tippler 2024/03/25(Mon)18:00 No. 1087146 ID: 9ea24b
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via dark magics and destruction of the local ecosystem, my skeleton is revived to do one last update.

as is tradition for rabid tippler quests, it is time to spill my guts. you have 90 minutes to ask me questions and i will answer

>>1087146
Was your desire to get chickens due to the increasing global rise in egg prices, or does it stem from some other dire motivation, such as mad science crossbreeding of different species?

How does a chiccoon eat with no teeth

How's it going? Got any fun plans after this?

>>1087146
This was inordinately good fun.


Hmm.
Question.
Have you kept real chickens?
Any avian?
And if not,would you like to?

After this experience, would you consider yourself to be... bone again?

tippler 2024/03/25(Mon)19:59 No. 1087156 ID: 9ea24b
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>>1087150
just like my lust for fish, i have always desired chickens i would say primarily as pets. i grew up in a petless household (the same that i currently live in), so i have a great yearning built up over decades. also i think birds are cute.

it is definitely not cheaper to keep your own chickens for eggs since the startup cost of the coop and other equipment is so high, though i will happily enjoy the eggs once they come.

tippler 2024/03/25(Mon)20:01 No. 1087157 ID: 9ea24b
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>>1087151
the same way a chicken eats! they have a gizzard that grinds their food up using small ingested stones. it is recommended you provide chickens with 'grit' so that they always have a healthy gizzard

tippler 2024/03/25(Mon)20:05 No. 1087158 ID: 9ea24b
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>>1087152
i have been having a grand old time watching the dungeon meshi anime, reading frieren, watching surefour frag in overwatch 2, and playing hearthstone.

i much appreciate only working on one quest at a time. pliny still has a couples months left but i already have something planned for next quest. i am trying my hardest not to start it in tandem, because i know the chickens will keep me busy

tippler 2024/03/25(Mon)20:06 No. 1087159 ID: 9ea24b
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>>1087154
the chickens will be ready for pickup in irl 2 weeks, they will be 8 week old pullets and need about 10 more weeks before they start laying eggs. i have never kept birds before this which is partially why i am so excited. i am glad you enjoyed the quest.

tippler 2024/03/25(Mon)20:10 No. 1087161 ID: 9ea24b
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>>1087155
unrelated picture of body. i wanted to make many a meme image when pliny was learning about god in worm quest. pliny has become catholic etc. ect.

thanks for all the questions and for reading

Thanks for running it, was enjoyable to partake in! Polite sage, forgot to remove my trip.